Misty Krueger

Happy New Year! On New Year’s Eve I watched episode 5 of Bridgerton, and there were some fireworks for sure! Lots of explosions.

This episode…where should I begin? I’ll start by saying that if I complain about something in an episode it is surely going to be addressed in the next one.

Last time I questioned when George III’s madness would find its way into the show, and in episode 5 we saw that. I suggested that one of the Bridgerton brothers was gay and that we’d see signs of this in future episodes, and voila the artist is caught by brother #2 (who is so unimportant to me that I can’t even bother remembering his name) in flagrante delicto with a man. We also learn in this episode that the artist Granville is married (to a woman) and that brother #2 is totally fine with keeping his secret. Why? Because I’m guessing he knows he’ll be the artist’s next lover. What else? Hmm. In this episode Marina alluded to the fact that old geezer guy sizer her up like a commodity. Surely there are other things that I questioned that have been verified or resolved.

How about the fact that the duke does a 180 in this episode. He can’t marry, he says, one episode before, and by the middle of episode 5 he’s hitched. He’s confessed his affection for Daphne to the Queen in public, but not to Daphne directly, and then he avoided her for days before their marriage and at the wedding reception. Sheesh. This guy.

Everything in this episode was pointing toward the wedding night. We have all the hints about how Daphne and Simon are going to make excellent babies–which makes Daphne cry because she thinks Simon has a physical inability to have children (oh ho ho no, girlie, just wait til you find out why). Daphne’s own mother gives the worst birds and the bees talk on her wedding day about what happens on wedding nights. Dear, do you remember our dogs who had puppies, well, that’s all you need to know. Everyone in this show is so daft when it comes to sex.

As the duke and now duchess travel to an inn for the night–ew–instead of his estate, Daphne is appalled to find that he has booked separate rooms. Why? Well, they each believe that the other person can’t stand them and wants to be alone. OMG. I yelled at the TV: “He needs to fucking grow up!” These two are infuriating–but he more than she. She is just doing her best in such a stupid world, and he is a part of the reason the world is so stupid. Patriarchy.

I had to laugh at the writing in this episode. I mean, come on, “I burn” is a pretty silly way to tell someone you love them passionately and want to have sex with them. As each of the two lovebirds exchanges their “I burn” vows–a true wedding ceremony here–they can’t help but grope each other. Finally. Fireworks! Of course, she has to be undressed first. Unwrap the present, which is literally tied up in a corset! Then he drops his drawers eventually so that she can see his package (alas, the viewer does not), and then they have have an orgasmic first sexual encounter which includes his insistence that she touch herself and then his words of warning, “This might hurt at first” (or something to that effect). She seemed fine, though. “How are you feeling?” he says afterward. “Wonderful!” (I gotta admit, this sex scene lasted a little longer than I expected, and a lot of the focus was on Daphne’s face; she seemed to be having a much better time than the duke was.)

But there’s one more thing that we need to address, and that’s something Daphne doesn’t quite understand: the duke’s pull-out method. You see, Daphne don’t know diddly squat about sex, so she has no idea that he’s not ejaculating inside of her because he is trying to avoid impregnating her. Wow. He pulls out, rolls over, jerks off, and she’s none the wiser. O-M-G. This guy. No wonder he wasn’t enjoying the sex. He was too worried about his sperms’ journey.

So, I’ve got a few more episodes to suffer through–and I will get through them–and I’m curious to see when Daphne will find out about the duke’s attempts to thwart her dreams of becoming a mother because he’s too damned proud and is still trying to uphold a stupid vendetta against his dead daddy. 🙂

Toodles!